You Don’t Know the Story Behind My Smile
You don’t understand till you walk in my shoes. All you see is a happy young girl who hides her problems with a huge smile on her face. But darkness is behind that wonderful smile. She’s someone who sees the world as a fairytale but knows in reality it’s just a broken glass!
Whenever I hang out with friends, at some point they begin to talk about their brothers. They talk about how those brothers take them places, buy them the things brothers buy their sisters. Their talk make me feel empty and embarrassed because if they ask me, “Hey Bianca, What does your brother do?” Or “Do you have a brother?” what can I say? That I have a brother, but he is in prison? That I haven’t seen him in six years, and no he hasn’t taken me places or bought me things. But I don’t say that because I sometimes feel that others judge me for having a brother I prison. So I don’t say anything much about him.
I want the sister and brother bonding and brotherly advice. I want to have a brother I can run to when I have boy problems or other situations that I can’t tell anyone else about. I’ve always dreamt that my brother would be by my side, standing on those bleachers as I walk that Class of 2015 stage. But the thing is, that will not happen because I won’t be seeing him for another 23 years.
What hurts most Is that every time I see my little sister, Daisy, I picture his face, and I always fear that she will become just like him and follow his mistakes, step by step. She mistreats my parents and even her own sisters. I feel that she doesn’t want to be part of our family and would rather spend time with her friends, listen to them instead of her family. She leaves the house without even telling us where she is heading. Those are the little things that my brother started doing—listening to what his stupid friends wanted him to do.
I watch my mom sitting there, her tears pouring, and I think: What did she do to deserve this? Why do her kids always end up chasing the wrong path?
I don’t blame my brother for his mistakes, but I’m disappointed in him for not even being here. I see his friends roaming around our neighborhood like they have no cares in the world. They are killing and threatening and manipulating people, and meanwhile my brother is in prison for 29 years for being a witness of an attempted murder. It seems so unfair. One of his friends was accused of kidnapping and robbery and they only gave him 12 years. My brother never pulled a trigger against anyone—there’s proof of that. But the detective didn’t like my brother and decided not to show that evidence. The first lawyer made Jordan sign some paperwork saying he was guilty. Who would do something like that to a family?
Jordan’s friends don’t care what we go through. They never come to us or offer money to help him. All they know how to do is to bring violence and mistrust to our family.
I come from a place where jealousy and betrayal exists, where if anything happens, the cops are involved. I come from a place where I’m scared even to walk outside because you never know what will happen between Corning and Hervey Streets. My brother’s friends don’t care who they hurt—all they care about is getting what they want.
So I have something to tell you. Don’t ever tell me that I know nothing about the gang life, the prison system or not having a brother because trust me, you won’t understand my life until you walk in my shoes.
Letter to My Brother
Dear Jordan,
Hey brother! How you doing? Hopefully you’re doing alright. As for me, I'm doing better now. I’m involved a lot in school. I joined this club called P.O.P.S. I'm a junior now, yay—one more year and I’m out of high school to college and one step to a new beginning of my life. I miss you brother! It's been so long since I’ve seen you and it hurts, not only for me but for the whole family.
I know it’s been a long time since you’ve heard from me. I’ve meant to write several times and I don’t know why I haven’t. Hope you know just because I haven’t written doesn’t mean that you are forgotten because that could never happen. Jordan, why couldn’t you listen to my mom when she would tell to you change? I remember she would always say that to you. It seemed that your friends were more important than your family. I can’t remember the last time you spent time with us as a family or when you’ve even been there as a brother.
Every time I’m with my friends just hanging out, they talk about how their brothers do things for them and take them places. Knowing that I don’t have you there by my side, they also ask me about you. What am I supposed to say? That my brother is in prison and I haven’t seen him in five years? That he hasn’t been there for my birthday since I can remember? No, I don’t talk about you because I feel like people would judge me. I just want to tell you that it’s not your fault, I’m not blaming you. What I can say is that I am angry at your foolish action, disappointed in your lack of self-control, judgment and respect for authority, saddened that you will probably spend your 30th and 40th birthdays locked up. But I believe that miracles can happen. I have faith in you. I know you can change. Well, at least you can change the person you once were.
Brother, I wrote a poem a while back but it reminds me of you. Well, it’s basically for you. Here it is:
We live our lives day by day,
with twists and turns that go every which way.
It throws out obstacles to overpass,
never knowing if we will come in first or end up last.
Keeping faith to make it through,
knowing its easier with someone next to you.
Someone to listen and try to understand, or just there to lend a helping hand.
Things will happen, and sometimes you'll fall
but before we can walk, we first must crawl.
When your world becomes filled with anguish and fear
just take a look, and realize a best friend is always near.
No matter how close, no matter how far,
both reaching for that same bright star.
The one that will come and make everything right,
the one you both wish upon every night.
For both of us, there’s been so much change,
some made us happy, the rest filled us with pain.
In the end, it turns out alright, but getting there is a tormenting fight.
Everyone fights that dark battle within, but keep your head up,
I promise you’ll win.
When things get tough or if ever you stray.
I'll try to always say and do the right things,
so hopefully we can both make a change.
With my best friend beside me, there’s nothing I can’t do,
My best friend,
my brother, my best friend is you!
I hope you like it. Well, brother, this is all I have today! I hope I hear from you this time. Until paper meets pen you’ll always stay in my heart and mind. I love you, brother and take care.
Love,
Yours truly little big sister
I Remember
I remember when the cops would come to my house looking for my brother almost breaking down the walls.
I remember when my parents wouldn't tell me what was going on because they said I was too young to understand.
I remember late nights when I would hear the police sirens roaming the streets, me wondering if something had happened to my brother.
I remember when they took my brother to prison for something he didn't even do.
I remember the phone calls saying he misses and loves us.
I remember the long waiting lines just to get on a bus to visit my brother at L.A. county jail.
I remember the days he wasn't here as a brother like he should be.
I remember having nothing to say but that I have a brother in jail.
