The pain in me is nowhere compared to the
Pain of prison systems.
The way I speak, you should know each and every one of my feelings.
I smile at the teacher, but frown at the ceiling
I’m one man, that’s out of a million.
Never going to prison is something I had envisioned
My Number One objective like a military mission.
Disciplined, remembering my life as detention.
At first I came to POPS to support a friend but as they say, friends come and go. I missed the second week of the club. Mr. Danziger saw me in the halls and asked if I would come again. So I did. I went every Wednesday after that. I don’t have anybody close to me who has been to prison. I do have friends that have been to juvie, and some are in this club. I listen to the stories my peers read aloud in class and wonder what my life would be like if I made different decisions in life. I look at the kids in the halls and wonder what their stories are. If they too have been through the things I have, but I can only dream of the things some people have gone through. I come to the club and admire the people who come together to write and talk about their pain and weakness to make them become the strongest people they can be.
I fear the law.
I am terrified of police. I grow nervous when I’m driving and spot a cop. I get nervous when I’m walking around at night and a cop shoots me a suspicious look. I’m terrified of hanging out with my friends who smoke weed in their cars or out in the open. I hate driving a carload of teens because it attracts attention. I fear the law becoming involved in my life again and holding me back. I don’t want to get caught again.
November 2012, I did something foolish. I was involved in a relationship with a girl who suffered from severe borderline personality disorder. Let’s call her Ellis. A few nights after we broke up, she convinced me to meet with her to try and work things out.
I am imprisoned
Not physically
But mentally
I was too young
It barely affected me
They say I look just like my father
Well I want a new identity
I want to be like the man who raised me
Not the criminal who misled me
The chains he has on
Are the same chains in my memory
But memories fade away
So my past is a blur to me
I can’t sleep at night
My consciousness is on to me
